職業計算士配干炒牛河

到新公司上班的第一天,會計交給我一個貼好郵票的信封,上面寫著我家的地址。
會計小姐跟我解釋:「老闆的慣例,是要確認同事的住址是否正確。」
「可是,我不是提供兩份有住址證明的單據嗎?」
「沒錯,但老闆就是要double check。」

奇怪的老闆,那要住址證明來幹麼?

兩天後,我把空無一物的信封帶到公司給會計,她說了聲「謝謝」。
甫坐下,就聽見會計那邊傳來撕碎紙張的聲音。
嗯……那會是我的信封嗎?到底是老闆要確認還是她要確認呢?

月底那一天,同事跟我說:「希望會計今天會上班啦。」
「為甚麼?」
「因為今天發薪水呀!」
「哦……說起來,到底她的上班時間是甚麼時候?有時候很早到公司,有時候又很晚。」
「她是part-time的。時薪有一百元!」
「那……難道她沒固定時間,想上班就上班?」
「你說對了!」
「嘩!」這實在是難以理解嘛。「那她才是老闆嘛。想拿多少就多少。」
「沒錯,所以她經常加班。」

是制度問題,還是會計的問題。一時間我也說不上來。
我只知道,公司可以一年之內,換九個祕書和五個會計。

「這會計剛來的時候,真了不起!」比我資深的同事繼續回憶,「那次算好各人的薪水,支票都給老闆簽好名以後,就把支票統統放入信封,寄到我們家。」
「哈哈哈!」
「我可等著要錢呀!真把我氣死!」

我不知道她會不會把自己的支票也一併寄回家,不過似乎可確定,問題不一定只出在老闆和制度上。

隔幾天,老闆要面試新的兼職會計。會計和新來的女祕書就聊起來。
會計疑惑道:「都不曉得為甚麼還要請會計。」
所有同事都應該很肯定,那代表老闆想找人代替她啦。
「對呀,為甚麼呢?」祕書小姐還是裝蒜地回應。
「我真不知道老闆在想甚麼。」
「嘻嘻,老闆有時候也是怪怪的。」祕書這話雖屬安慰,但也是事實。
「唉,新的會計來,我都不曉得要給他甚麼工作做。」
「哦,你那邊很多工作嗎?」
「真的是不少。但我都能應付呀。很難拆開來給別人做。」
「可能老闆有別的事情要他處理呢。」
「還要我把密碼給新的會計,還要坐在我這裡。哼,有東西不見了可別想怪我!我才不管!」
「對呀,就別管啦。」
「唔……他有時候做事真的很沒有分寸,甚麼都亂亂的,要我來收拾。唉,希望他真的知道自己在做甚麼。」會計語重深長,好像很擔心老闆會想不通而走火入魔。

其實以小說故事來說,這種情節倒有些乏味。
但發生在身邊的真實寫照,特別有連續劇般幽默的興味。

偶然和IT部同事說起這位會計,他也沒好氣地說:
「她一來上班,就去買了一套PeachTree,自行安裝進電腦。」
「自己掏錢?」
「用公司錢啦!」
「老闆吩咐的吧?」
「沒有!唉……我好歹也是IT部負責人,居然也不跟我打個招呼。」
「她大概很瞭解狀況、很有把握吧。」
「才怪!第二天就來問我,那PeachTree的甚麼甚麼功能要怎麼打開。原來根本連用都不會用!」
「你會用嗎?」
「當然不會!結果我就在她座位上試呀試的,才終於試出來。唉,不會用還硬要買,真要命!」

說不定是她想學會用呢。用公司資源去買自用的教學器材,那應該算是高明吧。
我也好想感受那境界的滋味。

又過兩天,老闆忽然又大呼小叫地吩咐會計做事:「你把密碼等資料都寫下來,還有入帳的程序和步驟。要寫得清清楚楚!」
「嘩……」會計沒說下去,句子好像硬硬被吞回肚子。
「你『嘩』甚麼,不要『嘩』!總知寫好所有資料,別的話甚麼都不要說!」
「會用PeachTree的人都一定知道怎麼用,不用寫了吧。」
「你不用跟我講那麼多,叫你做就做!」
「問題是太簡單,簡單到不知道怎麼寫。」
「總之我要哪些資料,你就給我,就那麼簡單,甚麼都不用說。我給了你錢,你就要給我服務,就是這麼簡單。就好像我要一客干炒牛河,給了你錢,你就要交貨,不用多說,世界就是這樣。」
「但是,問題是,干炒牛河實在太容易煮了,真的不知道該怎麼寫步驟!」

會計小姐和老闆頂嘴,也不是第一次了。
不過這次好像有點決裂的火藥味兒。

老闆不耐煩地催促:「哎呀,你趕緊把這搞定,請你今天六點半準時走啦。不要硬耗著!」
「那就是說,昨天和今天的payment都不用處理?」
「甚麼都別管啦,總之你寫好所有交代的事情就行。還有,不准帶走任何東西!不然就要檢查你的袋子。」
「我才懶得理你!」
「甚麼?我怎麼知道你會不會偷偷帶走公司的東西!你走的時候給祕書檢查才准走!」
「我不會給她檢查的!你要查就報警!你沒權查我的東西!」
「那你現在馬上收東西,馬上走!我看著你收拾!」

果然是解僱了。記得前一天,會計才幽幽地慨嘆:「我現在真的在慎重考慮,要在他解僱我之前自己先辭職。嗯,沒辦法呀,我和老闆的標準差太遠了,彼此都沒辦法好好溝通。」大概只有會計本人,才會沒想到這天的來臨是早就該出現的。

老闆站在會計位置旁,然後傳來一頁一頁從本子上撕下紙張的聲音。
會計好像講解般地朗誦:「這頁沒用……這頁沒用……這頁是我的……」
老闆緊張地喊:「你不要撕掉,這是公司的財產。」
「這是我私人的工作簿,只是有些用來記錄公事而已。」會計繼續碎碎唸,「這頁我的……這頁……這頁我不能給你看!」
「為甚麼?」
「這頁我是絕對不會讓你看的。你要看就真的要報警!」

結果都沒有警察或保安人員上來。要走的時候,會計不忘丟下一句:
「我的payment你要記得給我!」
「行了行了!」
「不然我到勞工處告你!」
「一定會給你的。我不會欠人的。」
「要七天之內呀!」
「行啦!我會找律師處理,你不用擔心。」

老闆把會計送走以後,好像贏了一場仗那麼興奮。於是他才跟我們說:「好囉,終於把她請走,安心嚕!哈,真沒想到,原本面試的時候,看她臉圓圓的,又常掛笑容,以為好福氣,誰知全錯了,原來是傻的。噢!呵呵呵!一天到晚給我加班加到九點多十點,結果月薪比我請全職的還要貴,她真厲害。哎呀,她的精明呀,真了不起,經常早上來上班打了卡,然後溜出去排隊看中醫,這會計真會算。哈哈哈,不過我們那盤帳,倒是算來算去都沒算好,不曉得在拖甚麼,那沒多難嘛。哎唷,我都刻意等你們都在的時候才跟她吵。不然晚上剩我和她兩個人的時候,真的鬧到報警的話,她說非禮就麻煩了,因為警察通常都先相信女的。嘻嘻嘻!」

翌日,原來還有後話。快下班的時候,有電話要找祕書,祕書站起來問:
「不是我們的會計吧?」
「不是。」
「哦,還好。她今天打了五次電話給我,一直問我她的薪水給老闆簽名了沒。」
老闆接著說:「那沒甚麼,我今天接了她十幾通電話!煩得要死。我就把電話拿得遠遠的,讓她自己一個人一直講一直講,等她講到無癮就自己掛斷。隔一陣子又打來,我的媽呀!哎呀,真受不了,她再打來我就報警了。真煩得不得了!」
「那算不錯了,」業務推廣的主管說,「她要是三更半夜打來騷擾你,那才是騷擾!」
「嘻嘻,我倒不怕!」老闆還很得意,「半夜我最精神了。她要聊我就跟她對講,她掛線了我還能打回去要她繼續。嘻嘻!」

又過兩天,老闆在辦公室遊蕩沒事做,忽然又想起那位會計。
「今天她有沒有再打來?」
「沒有。」管資料的老同事回應他。
「沒有唷?嗯……嗯……奇怪了,兩天沒打來,那不對勁唷!嘻嘻,這次我們打給她,看她怎麼樣。」
「嘿嘿!」
「我們打去說:『喂,怎麼你沒打來啦?沒話講了嗎?』」
「嘿嘿!」老同事打概在想:「不是真的要打吧?」
「對呀,來!你幫我打一通,看她怎麼樣。嗯……就問她有沒有相熟的會計介紹。就是這樣,你跟她說,我們現在沒會計,沒辦法出支票給她,請她介紹一個來。」
老同事只好拿起電話,真的打給會計照說了一遍。
會計沒講兩句,居然問:「老闆有沒有在?」
「他不在。」
不過也沒講幾句就掛了,倒是老闆覺得很好玩,又嘻嘻嘻地笑起來。

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